


I go back again, fall out the train

by darkknight



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, Fighting, Happy Ending, M/M, Panic Attacks, Protective Zayn, i used the word fuck a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-08
Updated: 2014-03-08
Packaged: 2018-01-15 01:36:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1286299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkknight/pseuds/darkknight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>we've made a mistake</em>
  <br/>
  <em>i'll go back again if i could</em>
  <br/>
  <em>is this the end?</em>
  <br/>
  <em>please say it ain't so</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>or the one where harry and louis have a fight that ends badly, featuring modest being assholes and zayn being protective!</p>
            </blockquote>





	I go back again, fall out the train

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fanfiction for the fandom and it's entirely dedicated to the lovely Serised, hope you like it love <3  
> sorry for any possible mistakes! 
> 
> the title is taken from Shakira's Can't Remember to Forget You

 

Harry doesn't really remember how they got here, doesn't really remember how they ended up standing and yelling at each other in frustration, he thinks vaguely in the back of his head that it got to do something with modest, he's not really sure. What he's sure of is that he needs to get out of here, and he needs to be out of this room right fucking now.

 

With a final yell, something along the lines of “whatever, just -- fuck you Louis!”, he was finally out the room.

 

He can't breathe, he has no idea of what's going on. Every sound feels like he's under water and he's shaking and possibly crying, but Harry can't really tell, he's not really aware of anything besides the crushing feeling against his chest that's making it impossible to breathe.

 

He's never experienced anything like this before and the realization of this just makes it harder to breathe, and the shaking more violent.

 

Somehow he ends up on the floor on his knees somewhere, he's sweating and his vision's blurry, and there's a deep panic itching in his throat that hasn't left him since his fight with Louis and he's pretty sure he's going to pass out any second now, if he doesn't get his lungs to work. But the panic just keeps spreading through his body and he's pretty sure he won't be able to breathe ever again.

 

He wants to cry or shout out, just so somebody can just come and fix it, fix whatever that's going on, do something that he can breathe again, since he's got no idea what the fuck is even going on. Whatever it is he needs it to stop, he needs it to stop right fucking now.

 

And with that last thought, a blissful darkness surrounds him.

 

* * *

 

 

When he regains consciousness again, shreds of the panic comes back and he startles upright. But just as he thinks he's going to have to fight with his lungs a pair of arms suddenly wrap around him holding him tightly against a chest. He's pretty sure the person holding him is saying something but he can't be certain since the panic is still there and is still blocking out the sounds around him. It only increases when he noticed he's in some hotel room, how the fuck did he get here? He doesn't remember going to a hotel room, and in that case which fucking hotel room? And who is it that's holding him?

 

His vision starts to blur again, and he's sick of what's happening to him, why can't he breathe?

 

_Whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy?_

 

“Harry, calm down, you're okay.” A familiar voice tells him and he calms down a little, the panic subduing.

 

He turns around to find Zayn. “How did I end up here?” His voice a bit scratchy, but that's probably expected considering the day he's had.

 

“Found you passed out on the floor in one of the hallways, scared me to death man, had to call Paul so he could carry you back here, what the fuck happened?” Zayn asks in a quiet soft voice.

 

“Um.. Lou and I had a fight --” Suddenly what Zayn says registers in his brain. “Where's here?” His panic slowly coming back, are they in his and Louis' hotel room? What happens if he comes back?

 

“Hey, take it easy, we're in my room, it was closer.”

 

Harry breathes. “Okay.”

 

A silence falls then, Zayn letting Harry calm down and Harry's extremely grateful, he hasn't wrapped his head around everything that's happened yet. What happened to him exactly? He voices his question to Zayn.

 

“No idea, what happened before you passed out?”

 

“I-I don't know, I couldn't breathe and I was shaking, it felt like something was pressing against my chest and I don't know, I think I passed out 'cause I couldn't breathe y'know?”

 

“Sounds like a panic attack to me.”

 

“Panic attack?”

 

“Yeah, think it might have to do with that fight between you and Louis?”

 

“I don't know, I barely remember why we were fighting, all I remember is wanting to get out of there as fast as possible.” He sighs, running a hand through his hair.

 

“You guys don't usually fight, must've been serious, no?”

 

“I don't know.” He rubs his hands over his face. “I just don't _know._ ” His voice cracking on the last word, it feels like he's gonna start crying.

 

“Hey.” Zayn wraps his arms tighter against him. “Don't worry, I'll keep him away from you alright?” All Harry can do is nod, he really loves Zayn, he never pushes and he knows that Harry is scared to see Louis again, especially after how their fight made him feel. While he doesn't know what it was about, he knows it must have been pretty bad if he had a panic attack because of it.

 

* * *

 

 

Harry and Zayn end up skipping the last rehearsal, must to the dismay of everyone else, but Harry couldn't care less, they've been on tour for a month now, Harry knows what they're going to do.

 

 

He and Zayn stayed in Zayn's room eating pizza and mindlessly watched some telly, not talking 'cause Harry wasn't really in the mood, he just wanted to have a blank mind and Zayn understood that. He felt a little bad that he's the reason that Zayn didn't go to rehearsal either, but Zayn just shot him a look conveying _you seriously think I'm going to leave you like this?_

 

Did Harry mention that he loved Zayn?

 

 

Sooner or later the good things come to an end, or however that saying goes. He and Zayn have to get to the stadium where they're suppose to preform to get dressed and fixed up, and well, _preform_.

 

He doesn't know how to feel about it, he hasn't seen Louis since the fight and it makes him anxious, thankfully the panic doesn't come back, but he can tell as Zayn keeps side glancing him in the car that he's not doing a particular good job at hiding his anxiety at seeing Louis without.. well, he doesn't know, does he want to talk about it? Talking about it gives him a weird feeling, and not that good weird, but that same feeling comes when he thinks about having to be on the same stage as him with whatever they fought about between them.

 

In the end he doesn't have the time to make up his mind, and just as they arrive at the stadium Zayn says he'll keep close to Harry and make sure Louis doesn't approach him before the concert, and that eases Harry's breathing a little, but only a little. But he doesn't really have time to think about it, he's got a concert to do and that's should be the only thing on his mind.

 

* * *

 

 

The atmosphere around the five of them is, well, it's not tensed, but weird. Louis won't even look his way, and Liam and Niall can sense that something is wrong, but they can see how both Harry and Louis are completely off, and while they look at Zayn he only shrugs at them but keeps close to Harry's side just as he promised.

 

It's weirdly silent between them, usually it's obnoxiously loud and all of them jumping around in excitement, tonight it's silent and still, each of them getting ready separately, without much fuss. The crew around them notices that's something's wrong but they thankfully don't comment on it.

 

The time passes slowly before the concert, usually it flashes by in a blink, but not tonight, and when Paul tells them it's time Harry almost cries in relief just to get away from the tension and hopes that it'll be gone on stage.

 

* * *

 

 

Harry had hoped that the fight between him and Louis wouldn't affect the concert, but he should of known that it would. Whenever something happens to one of the five, it affects every single one of them, they can't really work when one of them isn't, and this time it's two of them.

 

Niall and Liam keep shooting both him and Louis glances, and Zayn keeps close just as he promised. But they really try to keep this concert going and making it good for the fans.

 

Harry can't really help but to glance at Louis, he's loud and keeps the crowd entertained, just like he usually does, but tonight he's taking it to a whole new level, Harry can easily see through it, he knows it's all fake smiles and laughs, and he knows the other can too. But the fans don't, they're loving it, but after all, they don't know him like the four of them know him, like _Harry_ does.

 

His mind isn't in the right place tonight and he knows the fans know it as well, he keeps missing when he's suppose to sing, and when he does sing he misses or fails a note, and he can see Mark from their management team looking at him with a mix of anger and a bit of disappointment and he knows he's going to get an earful later. The thought doesn't really help him, but he smiles the fake smile he's perfected at the crowd and tries at least to give them a good time.

 

* * *

 

 

The minute the concert ends he's ushered somewhere where he knows Mark will be waiting, and his mood just reaches rock bottom. Why directly after? He didn't even have time to apologize to the lads and the crew for his poor performance and now he'll have to listen to Mark repeating everything he's already told himself.

 

He's ushered into a room where Mark's already at, and he doesn't even let Harry explain himself or apologize when he says “What the fuck was that Harry? That has got to be the worst performance you'd ever done! What the _fuck_ where you thinking tonight huh?”

 

Harry tries to interrupt Mark to explain that he's had a pretty bad last hours with the whole fight, and panic attack, although he's not really comfortable to mention he had a fight with Louis, since that probably get him a 'maybe you should finally break up, like we're been telling you since the beginning' and Harry isn't sure he can handle that right now.

 

“I don't know what the fuck went through your mind during that concert, nor do I really care to be fucking honest, but I expect you lot to be fucking professional, to put whatever issues you have aside when you're singing, how the fuck do you think the fans feel about spending money on tickets to hear you singing like shit? And the whole lot of you being a weird fucking mess up there? Not fucking good that's what, do you think they won't go on their little social sites and not tell that One Direction were fucking shit? Of course they fucking will Harry, and it's your fault! The other lads did fine, acceptable, but you, like what the fuck were you even thinking? This will hurt the band Harry! People aren't going to spend their money on a concert that will fucking suck, you understand that right? You missed so many of your cues and so many notes, like people will fucking think we've been having you lip sync the whole fucking time and how the fuck do you think that will affect the band huh? Did you even fucking think of that Harry? Like seriously get your fucking head out of your fucking arse and fucking improve okay? Like seriously, don't tell me what the fuck's been going on, just fucking fix it to the next concert alright? You have two fucking days, use them wisely or maybe we'll fucking start having you lip sync 'cause we fucking can't have what you did tonight again, this isn't just your fucking job, there's the other lot and then there's fucking everyone else, and I won't stand here and let you fucking ruin it because something is fucking bothering your little popstar mind, you're a fucking adult, start fucking acting like it, just because you're in a fucking boy band doesn't mean you can fuck everything up on the stage! Now fucking leave will you?”

 

With that Mark turned around busying himself with his phone, and Harry left, Mark's words replaying in his head. He was right, in most aspects, the other's had done their part, it was only Harry that had royally fucked up his parts and he can't stop the tear that escapes his eye at the thought of how disappointed the fans must've been.

 

* * *

 

 

Harry finds himself in a hallway, just sitting on the floor, with his lower back to the wall, his knees tight against his chest, just hugging his legs and looking at his shoes. He knows the position will make his back ache later but he really doesn't care. He probably deserves it with how he fucked the concert up.

 

He faintly hears footsteps from a few meters away, but he doesn't bother looking who it is, it's probably Zayn who's probably been looking for him to make sure he didn't have another panic attack and is laying passed out somewhere. Or Paul, to tell him they're packing up and going back to the hotel. But Harry doesn't want to go back to the hotel, he doesn't want see the other lads, have Louis not looking at him and Zayn just pretending not to look or to side glance him ever so often or have Niall and Liam looking between him and Louis frowning. He doesn't want to have the silence, or the frowning or have the question of _what the hell happened_ hanging in the air between them. All he wants is to stay here and repeat Mark's words and his own similar thoughts in his head.

 

Yup. That's all he wants.

 

That and holding back his own tears. Letting his eyes burn and vision going a little blurry sometimes.

 

Yeah, that's exactly what Harry wants, just to stay here in this position and murder his back and maybe ruin his vision. Can his vision be affected by not crying? His eyes hurt so on some level it has to, right? He'll google it later, right now he just wants to be alone. He really hope whoever was there left him, he doesn't hear any footsteps so he guesses they left.

 

Good.

 

He hears a sigh.

 

Okay, the person isn't gone. It nearly makes Harry sigh.

 

“Sitting like that will make your back kill you later.” A quiet familiar voice tells him.

 

Harry freezes.

 

He doesn't want to look sideways and see Louis, or no, he doesn't dare look. He doesn't want to see whatever expression he has on his face, probably annoyance at Harry's stupidity, Louis knows how much his back troubles him, often jokes that Harry's maybe older than he is, while he massages it for Harry. There's probably also annoyance from earlier, with how the concert went and all, and Harry can't see that on Louis, can see that on everyone but not _Louis_.

 

He hears another sigh and a muttered "for fuck sake" as Harry keeps still, impossible still, and then he hears footsteps, Louis' probably leaving, annoyed at Harry, like Harry wouldn't blame him, he's annoyed at himself.

 

But the footsteps don't fade, they increase and suddenly he sees Louis' shoes beside his, and then Louis is sitting on his knees and putting a hand under Harry's chin to lift his eyes up to meet Louis'.

 

They don't really say anything for a moment, both looking at each other, tracing each others faces with their eyes.

 

Louis looks tired, not annoyed like Harry thought he would be, and he can see in his eyes that he's sad, and he's biting his bottom lip, obviously hesitant about something, Harry doesn't know what. He doesn't want him to talk, doesn't want either of them to say anything. He doesn't remember what their fight was about, but ever since it he's a bit scared that maybe it went too far, if it gave Harry a panic attack then it probably had to, and then there's the paranoid thoughts in the back of his head that maybe Louis' done, maybe _they're_ done, maybe that's what they were fighting about, maybe they were breaking up and just the thought of losing Louis makes the tears come back and sting his eyes. 'Cause no matter what they've went through, no matter how frustrating or hurtful, they've _always_ had each other, they fought, but not much, they've always resolved it and Harry can't live in a world where he doesn't have Louis by his side, and all those thoughts make the panic slowly itch back in his throat.

 

Without needing words Louis just knows that something's wrong, and he just pulls Harry against him, and Harry just sits there between his open legs and his face in the crook where Louis' shoulder meets his neck. It's a bit of an awkward position but Harry doesn't care, Louis is running his hand up and down his spine, not saying anything just holding him against him tightly and a few tears escape Harry's eyes, after all he's never kept or hold back anything from Louis.

 

And they stay like that for a while, until Harry can't take the thought lingering in his head. He reluctantly gets out of Louis' hold and just looks at Louis before he voices his question.

 

“What did we fought about, what happened?” He's scared, his voice rough but his eyes never leave Louis' face.

 

At the question Louis' eyes drop down to the floor, he somehow looks smaller, and he's quiet for a while. For such a long while that those paranoid thoughts Harry had earlier come back, _what if they broke up_?

 

With a shaking voice he says, “Lou, what happened?”

 

“You really don't remember?” His face is unreadable as he looks up, which is a rare thing, they're usually so open with one another, they never keep anything from each other and to see Louis' face so closed off, it must mean something went wrong, and Harry's throat closes up.

 

All he can do is shake his head at Louis' question.

 

Louis lets out a small watery hollow laugh and shakes his head, like he can't believe it and Harry's heart clenches at the image before him.

 

“I'm really sorry, I-I don't know why I can't remember, I'm _sorry_.” He rushes to say, but Louis just shakes his head.

 

“What's done is done.” He's looking down at the floor again and Harry's heart drops into his stomach, _what?_ What does Louis _mean_ 'what's done is done'? Did they _break up_? No, no no no no no, _no_. This can't happen. The panic comes back faster than before, eating his throat out as he starts shaking his head and trying to control his breathing so he can talk and ask Louis the question he really doesn't want an answer to.

 

“Lou,” it's the only thing that can pass the panic in his throat, it's quiet and scratchy, but it gets Louis' eyes on him. They widen a bit when they look at his face.

 

“Hey.” Louis' hand comes up and wipes tears of his face – when did he start crying? - He's looking right into Harry's eyes. “Babe, calm down, okay?” And Harry closes his eyes, focusing on Louis who's in front of him, hands still caressing his face, his lips on his forehead, mumbling sweet things against it between small kisses.

 

Finally Harry calms down, his hands fisting Louis' t-shirt.

 

“Babe, look at me.” Louis says softly and Harry does, he opens his eyes to be met with Louis' which are filled with worry. “What just happened Haz?”

 

And Harry's throat closes up a bit, but he gets Louis' answer past it anyway, since it's Louis. “I don't know, some version of a panic attack probably, didn't feel as horrible as an actual panic attack.” And Harry almost wants to laugh at how familiar he's become with the panic in the last 24 hours.

 

“ _Panic attack_? Harry, when did you have a panic attack?” His voice is still soft but there's a force behind it and it's underlined with worry.

 

Harry focuses to keep his eyes on Louis', how can he say their fight – no _break up –_ is the reason he's had a panic attack? He'll make Louis guilty, he knows he will and that's probably not what Louis wants. The point of breaking up with someone is ending what you had, because it's for the best, _right_? And here's Harry _literally_ clinging to Louis as he tightens his fists in his shirt.

 

But on the other hand, he can't lie to Louis. It isn't the matter that he's a shit liar and Louis would see right through it. It's that he's never been able to lie to him. Never since they've met has he kept something from him.

 

_Never._

 

The only time he's kept something from Louis is when he's wanted to surprise him with something. He's only ever kept something from Louis to make him happy. Although Louis has always known Harry was keeping something from him, he's also known that it was something good, something _happy._ If Harry lies now, if he keeps the reason behind his panic attack from him, if he lies and makes something up, and he's not even sure he could do that, Louis will see through it, 'cause he knows when Harry lies, and he knows that if Harry keeps something from him, it's something good, something happy. The cause of a panic attack is _not_ happy.

 

Harry just sighs and admits defeat. Quietly, like he doesn't really want to say it – 'cause obviously he doesn't – he says, “today, um.. After, after our fight,” and even more quietly, “or maybe even during it.” _Break up_ Harry's mind tells him, _not_ fight _but_ break up _._ Although it was a _fight_ that lead to the _break up_ Harry shoots back to his mind.

 

“ _What?”_ And Harry can't look to see his face. He doesn't want to see whatever emotions are playing around on Louis' face and in his eyes.

 

“Harry, look at me.” When Harry doesn't look at him he says it with more force holding Harry's wrists where his hands still are fisted in Louis' shirt. “ _Look at me._ ” And Harry does, he's never denied Louis anything, just as Louis hasn't denied Harry anything, guess even a break up can't change that.

 

But when Harry looks up at Louis he sees a mix of emotions, shock, guilt, but mostly hurt, and Harry wants to take it all back, because he doesn't want those emotions on Louis, doesn't want him to feel them.

 

“I don't know why though since I don't remember it, but you know, I guess maybe that's what a break up does.” He says in a rush, voice cracking at the end.

 

Louis seems frozen for a second, eyes wide and mouth opening and closing.

 

A cracked “what?” escapes his lips finally.

 

Harry fights his eyes to stay locked on Louis'. “Break up,” the words tasting like acid on his tongue. “that's what you said happened, wasn't it?”

 

“ _Break up_?” Louis' voice isn't the same quiet anymore, it's a bit louder, near a shout. “When the _fuck_ did I say that?” His voice is shaking a bit, leaving Harry confused.

 

“Wha --”

 

“I never said break up, _we_ _didn't break up_ , that _wasn't_ what happened, where the fuck did you get that from Haz?”

 

Louis stared at Harry and Harry at Louis.

 

 _What_? What was going on? Harry was pretty sure Louis said something like that.

 

“B-But what did you mean with 'what's done is done'?”

 

“I didn't mean a fucking break up! We said things, and, and how you left it all hurt me.” His voice growing more quiet.

 

“What did you tell me? What did _I_ say? Louis _please_.” He's pretty sure the panic will come back a fourth time if Louis didn't answer him soon.

 

With a sigh, he takes Harry's hands in his own and starts talking.

 

“I-I told you how I wanted to come out, and you said that you would love that but there was nothing we could do about it since we're still bound to that fucking contract, but I told you _I_ wanted to come out, _not_ us, and,” he sighs. “I don't really know how it all started, but we ended up in this huge frustrating fight, and you went on about how modest would never allow it, 'cause they would say how it would give all the fans every proof they needed that we were together, even if they'll make you get seen with double the amount of women and maybe even get me a fake boyfriend. It would still go against our contract and we would be under much harder supervision and have more boundaries and everything would just be so much more shittier, like haven't we just had enough shit happening to us, and then we argued more about how you also wanted to come out and I said how you had more freedom to express yourself, I said how you don't really have to worry about where or who you're with and I had to worry more about that, had to be more careful not to appear gay and how the whole situation was just so fucking frustrating and then you said,” He hesitates, but only for a moment. “You said, 'I know but haven't we gone through enough? Finally when we're at a good moment, where neither of us has had to go to some staged date, we've had time to be together and you want to give them a reason to taunt us with images of each other with someone else? There's no point in this when we're still with modest – whatever, just – fuck you Louis.'”

 

Then he looks down, and Harry's pretty sure his heart stops, he knows that he said those last five words before he fled the room but that he said it in that context?

 

“Lou,” his voice's soft, cracking, as he takes Louis' face in his hands and lets Louis' hands circle his wrists. “I''m so _so_ sorry. I-I don't even have an explanation--”

 

“Didn't you have a panic attack?” Louis says as he looks at Harry.

 

“That doesn't give me the right to say that.”

 

“It explains it though, doesn't it? How you just stopped in the middle of a sentence.”

 

“I shouldn't have said that either way Lou.”

 

“Oh, I'm not saying that it was an okay thing to say.” A small smile appears on his lips, which Harry's eyes can't help but to be drawn to and his mouth to form an exact smile back. “But it explains it, 'cause I had no idea why you just said that, why you just left. But now I do. After all you don't even remember it so--”

 

“I'm an idiot, and I'm sorry.” Harry says which makes Louis laugh a little.

 

“Yeah, you are.” Louis says and Harry doesn't even care to fake hurt 'cause Louis is smiling and laughing, and Harry's doing the same. “But you're my idiot.” He says as he pulls at one of Harry's curls, and Harry can't help but grin so much that his dimple appears, which Louis pokes unsurprisingly.

 

“We're okay right?” He says softly, his grin turning into a soft smile.

 

“Yeah, we're okay.” Louis smile back just as softly. “Question is, are you okay?” Louis says as he runs a hand through Harry's hair.

 

“Yeah I am.” He says without hesitation, this day's been pretty shitty, and he hasn't been okay, but right now, him and Louis sitting on the floor in some stadium hallway with Louis's hand running through his hair, still in the clothes from the concert, yeah, he's okay.

 

“Okay, I believe you.”

 

“Let's just never fight again, like never yell at each other, ever.” He says slowly as he looks through lidded eyes at Louis, suddenly just tired.

 

“Deal.” Louis says and kisses him softly, before he stands up. “Come on, let's get back to that hotel.” He says as he pulls Harry up with him.

 

And Harry kisses him with a bit more intent than Louis had, since it's been hours – long shitty hours thanks to frustration at a stupid contract they don't have any control over – and he just wants his boy close to him for a moment, like he wants every other moment of his life.

 

And as Harry pulls away with a soft sigh taking Louis hand and walking down the hallway back to everyone else with Louis leading since he has no idea where they are, he thinks, soon they don't have to worry about some stupid contract, and soon they'll be free to do anything they want.

 

 

the end

 

**Author's Note:**

> hope you like it! please leave kudos and comments if you do <3


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